My Birthday Gift

I would say that this year’s birthday is the worst to date. On my birthday, the person closest to my heart deceived me. A few days after my birthday, I discovered that he had been lying and cheating on me.

The things that happened recently are memories I’d like to forget for the rest of my life. I’ve definitely made mistakes that probably led to the shit I’m going through, but somehow, I can’t help but be angry toward the people who played parts in the plot.

Part of me wants revenge but I’ve come to realize that getting even will not make me happy. If anything, it will only bring me guilt that should only be felt by the people who have hurt me.

I’ve realized that you know you love someone, when you are prepared to forgive him for the biggest sin he could ever commit against you: unfaithfulness. Can you imagine how much it hurts to know that you’ve been sleeping with a man who, at the same time is sleeping with another woman? Another woman who is also involved with another man. God knows, how many other men are in her life. But this cheap slut does not deserve any more attention from me. She’s a nightmare I’d like to leave alone. And if I could have one wish today, I would wish for God to remove all damnable thoughts of her and the person I love.

I love Denver with all my life and I regret being unable to give enough of myself to the man that I love.

He hurt me and so I gave him the freedom to choose what he really wants in his life. A carefree life with his so called fling or a difficult life with great responsibility. Whatever decision he makes, I told him that he will never lose his son because I could never take that away from them both.

Denver chose the difficult path but I do not know how long he can endure it. He is young and although I want to have him in my life, I am not sure if he can remain true to his word. There are simply things that cannot be forced. His decision and how he stands by his decision will be the ultimate test of his character.

Although I have made the choice to forgive and start from a clean slate, I can’t help but doubt. I’ve forgiven him but I have lost faith in him. A friend told me that I should slowly start trusting him. But I’m terrified.

Sometimes I just look at my son and tell myself that we will be okay even if his father and I become separated. I’ve never been an advocate of staying together for the sake of a child. I made the decision to stay with Denver because I love him and not because I’m scared that my son will be without a father. Denver made a decision to stay with me. I pray to God that he did it for the right reasons. Whatever his motives are, I believe that there should only be one reason.

I’ve become a cynic because of recent events. Maybe one day, my faith in him will be restored. Maybe one day, he will wear out because of my doubts. I only want one thing from him. The truth no matter how much it hurts.

You can guess that I never got the shoes that I wanted for my birthday. His birthday gift for me were pictures of the whore saved in his phone, her photo in his wallet and confirmation that they fucked each other. Sad isn’t it?

Now how can I move on without hurting too much?