On Soup, Fish Odor And Wild Boar

I’m craving for soup and bread. There’s only one place that serves soup at this hour, and I already know I will be disappointed on my first slurp. KFC now serves mushroom soup. It tastes worse than instant soup.

My stomach is growling. It’s almost four, and in a few minutes I’ll have lunch. I wish I were at home instead. It would be nice to sleep beside my son again.

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Time is rather slow today. It always is when there is nothing to do. I’ve been unproductive the minute I got to the office. I’m so lucky I have this job. I can always cram a week’s worth of work in a couple of days.

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There’s a vacancy for Human Resources Officer. It’s my chance to jump ship but the post will be in Makati or Alabang. I would grab the Makati post if only I could take the odor of Fishy’s Smelly Bitch. I’ll run into her sooner or later. I already had the privilege of seeing her best buddy, the Wild Black Boar, during our company Christmas party. I wanted to throw up at her sight.

In case I am confusing you, Fishy’s Smelly Bitch is Denver’s whore and the Wild Black Boar is her obese best friend.

Ugh! Writing about them is making me sick.

Chicken Tinola On A Day Like This

My mom can read me like a book. I went home without Denver after a badminton game and she already knew we had another argument. I didn’t need to utter a word. The look on my face gave it all away. I guess that’s how mother and daughters are.

I didn’t want to eat but she made an effort today and made tinola. I ate wearing only my towel because I was about to enter the bathroom when she pushed me to have lunch. After my shower and two sleeping pills, I was in dreamland.

The pills made it all better.

Ippo was in such a good mood when I woke up. He even gave me a kiss before I left for work. I got to the office just in time. It’s a good day for me.


I’m nearly done consuming 800ml of H2O and its only 1:45AM. I must keep this up. Yes, even if I have to pee every hour.

I brought my tumbler with me. No, I won’t spend a cent in Starbucks today. I’ll be off to the pantry for my third cup of café mocha.

Denver hasn’t turned up for work. I’m afraid he’ll get in trouble because of his excessive absences. I promised to help him but what else can I do?

I should be on leave tomorrow but I haven’t decided whether I’ll be taking it or not. I have no plans, nothing to do. Why waste my SIL credit? I’ll probably turn up at work then.

Apart from the scene at clubsixfifty and crying at the loo, this day is okay. I’m getting pretty used to the bad stuff, pretty soon I won’t be affected.

Through A Protagonist's Senses

I just bought Bachelor Brothers’ Bed and Breakfast as a Christmas gift for myself. I started reading it yesterday, and so far it hasn’t bored me yet.

I’m not a serious reader. I just happen to enjoy light reading. I was into classics when I was in college, but now I prefer contemporary lit. Don’t mistake me for a bibliophile or a bookworm. I am not even familiar with most famous authors. My idea of a serious reader is someone who is into all genres, and poetry is something that I still find difficult to concentrate on. I don’t enjoy it, period.

There are only a few books that I want to own. I would rather borrow them if I only knew of someone who had all the books I wanted.

I received National Bookstore Gift Certificates worth P300 from our Program Kris Kringle last Sunday, and I can’t wait to get my next book. I wish P300 could cover more than just one book from my latest list:


Haruki Murakami
1. Kafka On The Shore
2. Sputnik Sweetheart
3. Norwegian Wood










Banana Yoshimoto
1. Asleep
2. Goodbye Tsugumi
3. NP
4. Lizard
5. Amrita

Amy Tan
1. The Hundred Secret Senses
2. The Bonesetter’s Daughter

My list keeps getting longer because I seem to have a problem prioritizing the items. I was supposed to finally get The Hundred Secret Senses when I purchased BBB and B. Last week, I ended up going home with Bookends when I was also supposed to get The Hundred Secret Senses. Okay, so Libras are really indecisive.

Anyway, it’s my day off tomorrow and I hope to finish BBB and B. I’m really trying to take it easy right now. I’ve been so stressed and confused, I finally realized its time to slow down and relax. What better way to do that than by escaping reality and rediscovering the world through a protagonist’s senses?

Thank God for books. They take my mind off everything else I need to forget for a while.

'Twas The Night Before Christmas

We spent Christmas eve at work. Like most employees on board, Denver and I wished we were at home, celebrating with our son on Christmas.

Denver and I sat next to each other like most work nights. At twelve midnight, we kissed each other as expected. And then he did the unexpected. He put out his hand and revealed our rings.

The ring that I returned to him months ago, and the ring that he removed from his finger after I refused to take back mine.

He slipped the ring on my finger. He gestured so that I can put his ring on his finger. I couldn't keep the tears from falling. I never thought he would give it back to me after everything that happened, and after refusing to take it back from him many times.

My Christmas eve in the office wasn’t so bad after all. I am happy. I don’t want to think about when this feeling will end as of this time.

My Pinoy Pleasure

I just became aware of the difference between non-fat milk and whole milk. Of course I know of the obvious difference (duh), but tonight, it is quite a challenge for me to finish drinking my complementary venti hot mocha with non-fat milk.

Starbucks ran out of whole milk. I didn’t mind saying yes to non-fat since I didn’t think it would make a lot of difference in satisfying my taste buds. Now that I know, I’m never taking my hot mocha this way again. Whole milk is just so much richer, not to mention addictive.

I guess going healthy will not include me switching to anything non-fat. I can’t stand anything with Sweet'N Low, or products marked “lite.” I love my salt and my sugar… and everything else that’s detrimental to my health. In fact, right now I have an image of my death supper - lechon de leche (my favorite part, undoubtedly, is the crispy pig skin and mouth watering fat underneath it), aligue (crab fat) and buttered sipit (crab legs), baked tahong (mussels) and steaming rice. I can’t wait to go back to Dampa to gratify my seafood craving, but my mom forbids me because of some redtide incident she heard recently.

Anyway, the holidays are here, so I am sure I will find an equally unhealthy feast somewhere.

Ahh, good food is just so hard to resist. But this is just one of life’s pleasures that I wouldn’t want to miss.

Written on Dec-22

Random Thoughts

I just found out that my team has to work on both Christmas and New Year’s Eve. Bugger!

Oh well, at least I don’t have to argue with Denver about where we are spending the holidays. The last time it came up, I told him he can spend Christmas with his family, and I’ll spend it with mine. Of course I didn’t want to have it that way. Ippo and I are supposed to be his family, but I guess he doesn’t realize that yet.

I wonder when he is ever going to grow up? I once told him not to force himself to grow up. I still feel the same way. I don’t want to force him into becoming someone he is not. But I am getting tired of waiting. So I guess I should just stop waiting and come to terms with the reality that he may never grow up.

I can’t wait to find out what’s going to happen in my future. I used to daydream about us (Denver, Ippo and I) migrating to the U.S. and living in our very own home. I have a feeling its going to be just me and my son. I’m always wondering when we (Denver and I) will decide to end it all.

It’s almost Christmas. I got a lovely book from my brother’s girlfriend - The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella. I can’t wait to finish it. I’m already halfway through it. I started reading this noon and would have been done if I didn’t have work tonight. She’s such a darling for thinking about me. I am definitely getting her something for Christmas. I am really touched because I know she doesn’t earn much from her current job.

On my break, I went to Starbucks to spend my P500 Gift Certificate. The team had our Kris Kringle last Tuesday. One of the items on my wish list is a Starbucks Tumbler. If one of my girls had picked my codename, I’m sure I would have gotten the exact tumbler I described. Nevertheless, I am really happy with the G.C. care of JP. Good thing Starbucks Eastwood had the “Lucy Fuchsia” I wanted. It was not in stock for a couple of weeks.

Tonight I got an overseas call from my cousin Sony. She’s wiring money for Ippo and needed Denver’s BPI account. She told me about wanting to live here in the Philippines and her hopes of having a baby soon. She and her husband just got a P5 million condo in Ortigas. It’s nice to see a young couple so full of optimism and actually living their dreams. She doesn’t know the dirt about Denver and me, so every time she asks how I am I just say “ganun pa rin.”

When I am alone and in prayer, I don’t ask for much anymore. I hate to admit that I am currently unhappy with my relationship. But I still have so much to be thankful for. I have my son and my mom, my brother just graduated from the U.S. Air Force, I am still employed, I can still foot the bills. I stopped praying for God to help Denver and I sort things out. I am unhappy with my relationship with Denver, but I am thankful for everything else in my life.

Passing Time

... what I'm currently reading.

I got this on Dec-15 at Books For Less for P248. I found a few more really good buys... hard bound books for less than P400. I will definitely come back for them very soon.

I spent the last two days just reading in bed. I wanted to sleep but couldn’t. It’s weird that I can no longer sleep soundly beside Denver. I was so used to his terrible snoring. Two years of hearing it nightly gave me immunity. All of a sudden it’s like hearing something very foreign and irksome.

A strange thought just went through my head. Maybe my bodily processes are rejecting Denver. Teehee.

I wish I could sleep without having to take any drug. If this goes on, I might just have to double spending on books. Better to read than to plot a murder to pass time.

I'll Be Okay

Tonight I met up with Det for coffee.

God, she gets thinner every time we see each other. She is currently at 123 lbs. She must have weighed 180 lbs. almost two years ago, right Det?

I am just amazed and proud of what she has accomplished (though I’m bothered, that her role model is alleged anorexic, Nicole Ritchie).

I remember how depressed she was when I was still pregnant. Back then, Denver and I were still renting an apartment across her home. I saw how distressed she was about a break up, and I remember telling her how she should toughen up and put all her effort in making herself beautiful. I personally think that vanity is one of the many outlets one can exploit to find a way out of depression.

Before meeting up with Det, I swore to myself that I would keep mum about my depression. I ended up giving her a blow-by-blow account of the shittiest three months of my life.

Although I am fine now, seeing how Det is today, and looking at how she has evolved, gives me confidence. I saw her at her worst, and I see her at her best now. It might take some time, but I know I will be better.

I'll be okay.

Written on Dec-12.

I Know

I’m trying to hold on as hard as I can, but I know, someday, one of us will let go. We love each other. We seem to think we need each other, but I know it won’t be forever. We are not meant to be together. I knew this then. I am still aware of it now.

Diphenhydramine Hydrochloride

Denver appears to be back to normal. Normal being his old sweet self. We have not had a single argument for almost two weeks now. I hate to think that this is too good to be true.

He wrote me a few lines through Yahoo! Greetings last week. “I’m sorry for being such an idiot and a jerk most of the time.” I don’t remember ever hearing anything more honest than this from him. Most of the time, I get hollow promises or meaningless adoration. His admission of his being an idiot and a jerk actually sound better than everything else I have heard from him. Maybe it’s because I can feel the truth behind the words.

Yes, we are okay now, but the depression has not completely abandoned me. I wonder if there really is a surgical procedure that will allow the removal of selected awful memories from my cerebrum. That would be such a joy. Reminds me that I should watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I always see bits of it on cable. Now is a good time to see the entire film. It might inspire me.

Still walking in the fields with my eyes blindfolded. Still wondering what the future holds for him and me. Sometimes I am happy. Other days, I have Diphenhydramine HCI as my ally. Drowning myself to sleep is better than being awake and torturing myself with evil thoughts or dwelling on painful memories.