High Five

I just returned from a self-imposed hiatus. It wasn't a vacation, but it gave me a chance to sort through some really important things.

My son is turning two tomorrow and I just realized I've missed out on so much. He has become so much taller now. I still want to call him my baby, but he is no longer one. He's wearing a school uniform and black leather shoes for crying out loud!

These past few days, I've just been enjoying playing with him inside our room. Normally, Denver or I would hand him over to his yaya or grandma so that we can get some sleep during the day. Today I let him stay in the room and we played with Ming-ming. That's what he calls his Winnie The Pooh stuffed animal from his Ninang Det. Don't ask me why, he can't rationalize yet. I actually taught him how to high five with Ming-ming. And he can say “high five” correctly. He knows “appear” but pronounces it “apeeh.” I use this pathetic puppet voice for Ming-ming's voice. He tries his best to change his voice too. It's hilarious when he does it.

Apart from realizations relating to my son, I had long and deep thoughts about me and Denver. We really screwed up. It's just sad that no matter how hard we try, our past manages to creep up on us. Once again, we fought and apologized to each other. I'd like to forget about everything that he did to hurt me, but I can't. It pains me too that I can't let go of it that easily. We're still together but I've stopped saying “I love you too.”

Some things are just too painful. And some people have too much pride.

I am not sure whether I should prepare myself to give up and let go, or to learn to trust and risk getting hurt again. I sure am having so much difficulty with the latter.